All We Have to Give

“Maybe,” a mentor figure in my life suggested to a class, “Maybe, all we have to give is ourselves.” Tears welled up in my eyes while I contemplated what that meant to me while going through the recent challenges with my autoimmune disease. Struggling to walk anywhere at all, let alone keeping up with a job and a traveling ministry team and my scholarship. I was thinking about how difficult my brain fog and constant headache had made everyday life such a challenge.

The woman speaking was a close friend and teacher of mine, and she was struggling through a lot in her personal life. Everything from health, to sick family members, to having a ton of responsibility that just never ended. She’s a lot like me, not really knowing where to limit herself and wanting to attend to every need she sees. She has a servant’s heart that desires to love and care for each individual she encounters. And because of her position, she is able to fully serve basically nonstop. She is very much what I aspire to become.

I looked up and could see that the tears in her voice matched the ones in the eyes of the guy across from me. Although he and I never had the chance to talk about all that he had experienced recently, but I had heard of the challenges he was going through. I tried to keep my eyes off of him brushing at his eyes and face, and even though I don’t really know him that well, I felt something inside of me sense a deep brokenness. He didn’t want anyone to notice, but he looked up and caught my eye before I could look away. I mean, I saw his tears, he saw mine; I think that makes us even.

I slid out of the classroom and to the bathroom to just breathe. I felt like I couldn’t as I thought about how crushing this world can be on everyone. People didn’t deserve to suffer the death of the people they cared about. They didn’t deserve the suffering of an autoimmune disease (because no one does). And they certainly didn’t deserve to feel alone. Not through any of this… I tried to calm my sobs just a little bit as I let the air fill my lungs. None of it seemed fair because it just wasn’t.

I slipped back into the classroom, and even though we had twenty minutes of class time left, class was over. I was planning on just grabbing my backpack and leaving, but then the guy stopped me with a single glance. He just mouthed the words, “Are you ok?” I half-heartedly nodded because there was nothing else I could say; none of it made sense…  I finally felt like I could breathe again, even if it was just a little. “You?” That’s all I needed to say before he walked around the table and gave me a hug. It was a brief one, but perhaps he knew I knew. Or maybe he just knew I understood.

When certain things happen, I just completely shut down because I don’t know who to turn to. I feel like even those I love and trust don’t need to be burdened with what I see as my personal burden. My autoimmune has always been hard to explain to anyone, even if I know it would help me more to talk through it. Who else would it help?

A few weeks later while on Christmas break, I was sitting at the dinner with family at my grandparents’ house. It was a little tense as I realized that everything placed on the table in front of me was something that I really shouldn’t be eating, considering a lot of it is supposedly food that contributes to me swelling up and having trouble walking and breathing and everything. I don’t like talking about it with literally anyone at all, but it contributes a lot to the whole not-eating thing I have gotten in the habit of while I am at college. I am just slightly concerned about it all but not committed enough to get it under control.

Mostly, I keep this to myself while I try to figure out what feels impossible. But for some reason, I was already swollen, and I was just standing there trying so very hard to even hold my plate. My sister helped me go get my food, and I sat back down at the table feeling really defeated. Why would it be so hard that I couldn’t even fully appreciate the holidays. Why is life so hard for me?

Sitting back down at the table, my cousins tried to pretend that everything was fine, but it obviously wasn’t. I struggled so much to clear the air by talking about other things, but I could barely hold my fork well enough to bring it up to my mouth and eat. I suddenly noticed that my sixteen-year-old cousin sitting across from me was just watching me. I felt really self-conscious as if my autoimmune disease had a stage or something. It sort of feels that way a lot of the time… She wanted to know what was wrong, and I was honestly ready to rant about it again. Look at the Autoimmune Protocol list of foods not to eat, and basically there goes a lot of what I eat, especially on a meal plan at a college.

“What can you eat?” my cousin ask after I go through explaining I probably shouldn’t be eating the bread, baked potatoes, and sausage sitting on my plate. I tried to act like I didn’t care, but I just pushed around the extra salad on my plate. Then I decided to just screw it and went and got more of the food that I supposedly should be careful of eating. It was worth it.

I didn’t think much about it after that. I was swelling up a lot and in pain, but not much of it was new and unfamiliar. We continued the entire evening without really talking about my autoimmune anymore. It was a simple thing, but at the end of the evening when we were giving everyone goodbye hugs, my cousin who sat across from me at dinner came up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I thought she’d give me the regular quick hug and say she was glad to see me; you know, the usual. But she didn’t. “Lia,” she whispered in my ear as she hugged me. “Lia, thank you for sharing with us all you did at dinner. We can’t do much to help, but we want you to trust us anyway.”

And there it is. Me telling them what I was struggling with, that was what I had. That was all I had to give.

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