More Than Faces

Before I showed up to camp, the kids that I was going to be in charge of were just numbers on a page. After the first week, they were no longer just numbers; they were faces of children, laughing and crying about all of the craziest things. And now, now they’re neither numbers nor faces. My kids are humans. They are the tears of broken families and smiles of outdoor games and blushes when the names when their crushes are mentioned. They are the heartbeat of my every day.

At first, I found it hard to work with them. Their tears when something went wrong bothered me because they wouldn’t be able to talk. They would suddenly swing into fear of being told to sit out or be paralyzed over the thought of being kicked back after they were the first to throw a punch. There were times when they roared about jokes that weren’t funny, and their laughter was sometimes seemingly unwarranted.

Oftentimes, I find myself still mystified over the very fact that their emotional swings are greatly varied. But it’s also not just that. I also have a very difficult time controlling them or getting them to listen to me at times. Maybe I’m just not hard enough on them? But it’s hard to be hard on them when they are so innocent and so young. They have yet to see so much of the world.

Since I have not really worked with kids much before, it has really been a learning experience for me. All summer has been new situation after new situation, new realization after new realization. Trying to figure out why they’re doing something, why they are crying, why they want to say words they won’t let themselves express has been a challenge. I want so desperately for them to be free and free to be kids, but I still want them to grow up and act like mini-adults?

And yes, these kids are innocent and young, but they are also so exposed to the world in which we all live. The brokenness I see in their eyes, well to be honest, it scares me. Phrases like “my stepmom” and “my mother’s boyfriend” and “my half-sister” are spoken a lot at the camp that I work at. They come from the hurt and the pain and yet they are so calloused to it at times because that’s what they are used to, that’s all they know. My kids talk about things that I wish they didn’t need to think about, and yet they do because they live it.

Some of them have talked about not having enough money and their parents needing to find a way to pay the electric bill. Some of the staff and I have noticed how there are a few of my kids who eat ravenously at camp, and I can’t help but wonder if perhaps they don’t normally get enough to eat. A few of my kids are well acquainted with the foster care system, and many more are familiar with the divorce of parents and grandparents.

When we were in line today, one of my little boys just hunched down in the middle of the hallway. While he sat cowered on the floor all the other kids started asking what was going and if he was ok. And it just started to get really overwhelming for him. I had to keep the rest of the line moving with a couple of my coworkers before I could go take care of the situation.

All I could do was sit down beside him and try to figure out what was wrong. He had completely closed down, and all he would do was nod and shake his head when I asked him yes/no questions. I had to assure him that it was okay to cry, and part of me wondered how often he was told that. How often was crying an acceptable release when the words won’t come out?

And it’s moments like those that really terrify me because I don’t really know what to do. It reminds me of days that I have done the same and refused to talk to anyone. It reminds me of fears and being so upset that it’s hard to talk. And I just wanted to make everything perfect for him. I just want to make everything perfect for all of them. But I can’t.

And someday very soon, I’m going to lose them. I am going to have to let go as camp comes to an end and they go back to their normal everyday lives. Even as I step into the job of before school care at the same elementary school, I know that a lot is about to change. But I don’t want to let go to them. It feels like it was just yesterday when I first walked into that room where I didn’t know anyone and had basically no experience with leading a group of kids.

As human beings, they are already so precious, and now, now they’ve grown close to my heart. The Lord of Heaven created the young ones that run around me every single day, and if only they could see and understand the value they are worth. Walking in there every day in the morning, I look around and I don’t see numbers. I don’t see faces. I see stories.

When I was interviewing for this job back in April, I asked my director, “What qualifies as a good day to you?” And as I try to answer that question for myself, I have realized that a good day to me means that I have done my utmost to love each individual and carry their stories in my mind throughout the day. And as they exit this scene and move on to the next, and as I do the same, I shall do my best to carry their stories with me for the rest of my life.

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